A little short of perfection

I've just spent ages trying to pin down a quotation from St Paul. Which is easier said than done when you can't remember the exact wording. The quote is this:

"I cannot understand my own behaviour. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate" Rm. 7:15

This seems to sum up my life so well. I want to work hard and do useful things, but I always seem to be lazy and selfish. If a tenth of the time I've wasted playing video games & watching TV had been spent on more productive activities my life would be so much better.

The problem is it is so much easier to sit at home watching the world go by (salving my conscience with a few donations to good causes), than to actually get out there and engage with real people. Thing is people are difficult, they are awkward, they don't behave the way you want them to & sometimes they are just plain nasty. What makes it worse is that I know I'm really just as bad as they are - and I don't like to be reminded of this.

A couple of verses later Paul goes on to say this:

"for though the will to do what is good is in me, the performance is not," Rm. 7:18

Yes the flesh is definitely weak, especially when it comes to prayer. Prayer is something I find difficult and in common with most of the other things I have found difficult in my life: playing the recorder, reading Les Miserables, learning Welsh etc., I have pretty much given up. I periodically have another go (at praying, that is), but it doesn't last long. So usually, outside of Church, my prayer life consists mainly of asking God for help when things go wrong and occasionally remembering to say thank you when they go right. NOT GOOD!!

Fortunately I managed to resist the temptation to add a third exclamation mark there. Apparently three means that you are in imminent danger of 'going postal'. So, a lucky escape for my work colleagues.

Getting back to the point at hand. The trouble is, no matter how often I tell God I'm sorry, I always end up falling back into the same old patterns of behaviour. Paul talks about the 'thorn' in his flesh, I think I know how he felt; somehow I must find a way to do better - but then again that's what I always say. Can I really change who I am? This remains to be seen.